Go study they said, it'll be fun they said.....

So I caught a case of serious student-blues last week.. Not that bad that I considered dropping out or anything death-defying like that... But I was pretty negative

I just came to a point where I wanted to give up and sleep till 2019.. because there were tasks, tests and too many emotions involved. I have always kept in mind why I am studying. I want to become smart, I want a good job, I want to be admired, I want to be a success and I want to use my chance that so many people never get.

Studying is a privilege that is under appreciated. Yes it's hard work, yes it sucks more than school (sorry kids), and yes some people are still assholes. Just because their studying, does not make them smart. But in a country where jobs are a serious battle to find and get... Studying gives the boost you need to be seen.

It wakes you up to show you no one will be checking up on you like teachers, because they seriously do not care. You are paying the fees and whether you pass or not, they still get paid. A few still care, appreciate them. I am not saying that people who do not study are not going to make it. Bill Gates made it. I just want to ensure my backup plan. In case I don't become Oprah or John Williams-like you know? My backup's backup is playing trumpet in dodgy jazz/blues lounges.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed for my first option of becoming a writer/journalist/show host. Remember kids: If you can dream it, you can do it. Nobody says it was easy. Lastly, if it's worth it, it's worth fighting for.

This one is for everyone with a dream. x

Unexpected endings

So I just finished one of my prescribed books.. "Duiwelskloof" they call it.. by André P. Brink. I do not know if I loved it or if I am just in a love-hate relationship with it.. Which would be sad and weird.

I am not going to critically analyse it now.. but it's basically a pre-historic version of Addams Family without the humour... It's completely violent, sexual and as blunt as you can get. Creepy highlights that I can remember... a girl with four breasts, a large woman with dodgy "natural medications", a cult-like community with too many ties and even more lies and a poor journalist that thought he could handle the people in duiwelskloof...

The ending was... Not what I expected? but then again! I am not sure what I wanted to see happen in the end.. Life as the books written about it can be quite unexpected. A current example, the great Robin McLaurin Williams.

We made the assumption that because he made people happy, he himself was happy. I was shocked to hear the news and all the movies I saw of him flashed through my brain, but once again, what did I expect? I made a little scenario in my head where he dies of natural causes in his holiday home on the beach.. I am supposed to know that life does not work out like the movies... Even if the person in question was in them.

A lot of people make people laugh and smile as they cry inside and try to work through their issues as quietly as they can.. This does not work. It's almost a method of self-destruction.. We have to come to terms with the fact that we can NEVER know what goes on in our best friend's head, not our significant other, not even our spouse's... We can only hope that the sadness blooms out in time and does not close in shutting everything out and keeping everything else locked in until it's too late.

Suicide is a dark place. Too dark to describe, just like the infamous Devil's valley at times. None of us could possibly fully understand.. unless my blog is available in the afterlife of course. The most important thing we must remember is that they have a peaceful blissful rest ahead from here on.

I will end my words with this quote I always loved by Robin Williams:" You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." Let your diamond shine up the sky and live for those who are not with us anymore <3

We 're all going to die anyway

Have you ever been in a scenario where your feelings become infuriatingly overpowering? So much so that your options are dying or killing.. I am not even kidding now.

Everyone who knows me, knows I am very outspoken. Almost too outspoken, and I don't expect anything less from people around me. If I annoy anyone, I want to know if it's a problem I can work on, or if the person I offended is completely delirious or just stupid (it could be possible.)

The main question still remains: How does one approach a sensitive scenario where you are fully aware that certain words and actions -which have to be done- can screw things up for you and/or people involved? It's safe to assume that you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.... If you keep it to yourself you will become batshit crazy... If you speak it you will probably regret it.

But an easy-ish way out could be to decide, which crappy conclusion, sucks less.. which conclusion will be less sucky over time? If that makes sense? The human race has to come to terms with the fact that there will be good endings and bad endings in everything until the day you die -which could be seen as good... or bad. Depending on what you believe in life. I agree with Epicurus, he's a philosopher -for those of you who are too lazy to google it.

Death need not concern us because, when we exist, death does not and when death exists, we do not. This idea completely blew my mind. (kabooooooooooom) So moral of the story is... When you find yourself in a shitty situation, don't stress too much. We all die in the end anyway.


My tombstone inscription will be one of a true Epicurean: I was not. I was. I am not. I do not care.

 *Think about it...

Dedicated to my near and dear person in life: Brandon Espach <3

Never back down

After reading my latest blogposts, I realised that I am being so negative and pessimistic that I am actually surprised no-one has thrown me with a grenade yet. I mean, seriously.... Moaning about everything like me really does not help.

I am not saying that we should try ignoring all the bad stuff that happens, but we just have to shift the focus to anything that makes you smile. Whatever it is, just do it, allow yourself to be happy. I am overcome with boredom when I think about everything that's wrong with the world.

My mom always says that everything is the way it's supposed to be at any given time. So I think bad things are just a buildup to something great, or a lesson, or just for your own good. So many people carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and they really don't have to.

Because if you are too emotionally involved in things you can't change, you will never experience the feeling if being high on happiness. If you are stressing yourself out about something, just ask yourself if it's going to matter in 10 years, a few of my problems became mere challenges. So life, bring it on, challenge accepted!

You are alive, you are here, now go out into the world and be whatever you want to be. There are no boundaries for a passionate soul.

Love and happiness x

No good news?

So when was the last time that you saw the news with anything positive? Like big news, not weird stuff like a mutant mom that just gave birth to 8 kids that came out of the womb singing "we are family."

Bombs, guns, death and corruption is the new craze and everybody's trying to keep up. I am aware that things are not great in South Africa, but lately with all the shitty news around the world, every small terrible detail of my country becomes scarier and unbearable at times. The latest news that threw me off life's roller coaster was about two boys. Four and five years old.

Both were taken during separate hijackings.. Just one survived. The five year old was dropped off by the thieves, the other one's foot was caught in the seat belt and he was dragged next to the car and he died soon after. The woman just wanted her child. But those thieves were too heartless to even try helping. It makes you wonder were the moral ethics got lost in the mix.

Who even does that?? What is wrong with you? what went so wrong in your life that makes stuff like this okay? Whether it was on purpose or an accident is irrelevant. Murder is murder. Life is made up of choices. Some are shittier than others.

There is no good news that's good enough to make the bad news less grim... And in other news a 9-year old boy married a woman of 62... Way to go SA..

But all of that being said, let me know if one of you find a country without bad news and bullshit... Want ons is proudly South African

Peace

I have not blogged in a while. Things have been crazy with the whole university vibe and all the other issues life throws at you.

I don't want every post to be so negative, but it has become difficult. I could always lie and say everything is fine, my grades are all up, I have a steady boyfriend, we're getting married next May etc. etc.... But where's the creativity in that?

I don't want to be another copy of a delusional reality that everyone wants to believe in because their true realities are so messed up that they choose to stay in the dark. People always say they wish they could run away from their problems, that doesn't even make sense to me. Running away will only create a distance between you and the issues.

Which doesn't get you any closer to happiness, depending on what you believe happiness is. Everyone has their own version. I don't believe there is something like true happiness. But I do believe that there is something like peace. An inner peace that you reach when you accept the fact that you can't be in control of everything. I'm still trying to reach that point, it takes a strong person to just be okay with life and all its baggage.

Clueless

I keep thinking my heart is too small for this world. If someone close to you, ever hurt you, would you confront them?

I wouldn't, that's why I am a coward. I keep letting people into my heart like it's a boarding house. The problem is that the people leave, but I keep expecting them to "be there" for me. Call it silly or stupid, but I think it's really called being naive. When people disappoint me without any excuse, I actually make up excuses for them.

How sad is that? I have recently been confronted with issues, events and disappointing people that I can't make up excuses for anymore. It actually hurts that I have started giving up on people. If this is what they call "growing up" take me back to the days where my biggest worries were being awake on time for my cartoons. Take me back to playing with dolls, laughing and not wondering what's in the future or looking over my shoulder at the things I did and didn't do in the past. 

So I am growing up. Great. If anyone knows how to make this horrible time pass. please just let me know. I usually have all the answers. But this time I am clueless, just like that stereotype. 18, clueless and regretting that I wished my childhood away so fast.