Victims and the stupid

I have started to notice, that there are many victims all around me. But not victims of crime or any "-isms."

Victims of life. These hopeless souls are the kind of people who stir up some drama when life becomes too normal for them. In their heads the seriously believe that life is against them and that the world hates them. 

I've come to notice that being around victims, communicating with them and just knowing about them changes me. Everything I hate about them, makes me observe everything that's wrong with me. Victims and stupid people make me:

1.  Aggressive. There are brains in those heads, begging for attention, and I can't stand the thought of possible intelligence just dying away like David Hasselhoff's career.  
2. More heartless than I already am. I tend to feel the urge to grab a victim by its head and just scream. No words. Just a scream. Loud and without end.
3. Want to consider the perks of becoming an alcoholic.. or developing a prozac addiction.. or doing drugs when it's really bad.

But.. I have found myself a coping mechanism.. Like people with ADD! When someone goes auto-stupid on me.. I count to ten while I take deep breaths. Following this I go into my world, And here, I see myself sitting on a big stage with the criminally stupid next to me. I stare it deep in the eyes, just to embrace the moment... And then I turn and grip it with both hands firmly, and I throw that oxygen thief right off my stage and I close the scene with:"I'll leave you without an insult.. Because you are possibly stupid enough, that you wouldn't even understand."

Do not attempt to insult the dumb because you will frustrate yourself into a deep depression. Let the dumb be dumb with the other species of dumb called "victims"

Calm yourself.

All of us know the feeling of a bad mood. We have our reasons, granted. But I've realized, when someone doesn't know how to deal with their bad mood, their environment becomes a mini war zone.

One can only hope not to catch someone on a war zone day, most try to be polite and calm. But in my case.. It's a little different. You are allowed to be in a bad mood all you want, but once you begin to threaten my mood.. Bad things are gonna go down. 

It sucks that your cat died and your cellphone broke, it really does! If my phone broke and if liked cats enough to have one, I would be in a bad mood too. Let's just go over some fun facts.. 

1. I didn't break your phone
2. I didn't kill your cat
3. Your mood is actually not my problem, but you can become my problem, if you do not calm yourself or pop a Prozac or something.

Some people are all gentle towards the bad mood mafia and they live with it. But I don't do that.. If you annoy me, I'll let you know. No lie.

If you are in a crappy mood and you feel like you're about to explode on an innocent bystander, don't. They might be in a bad mood too, which means death is a possibility for you. Go hit a wall or something. There are enough people in bad moods all their lives.. Don't let that bad aura spread and consume us all. Come on, get happy now! 

Assumptions.

Let me begin by saying, I like Madiba. He's an inspiration and a glorious icon and known all around the world.

People have their opinions, I know "everyone's entitled to an opinion" blah, blah, blah.. But what if my opinion is that your opinion is wrong? That's fine too, right? It's world news that Nelson Mandela is not well. I've been reading "RIP Madiba" for about a week now, people don't know what is going on. So they assume he died.

He hasn't died yet. He's very sick and in the hospital. People don't get that part right.. But one thing that completely disgusted me today, was hearing and reading about ANC members arriving at the hospital, with T-shirts promoting next years election.. Yes I'm serious.. The man's dying, and they're marketing. I know they can't help him get better, but taking advantage of the situation isn't the way to go, it's sickening, in the bad way.  

Others are praying for him to stay alive. I don't understand that either, he's 94 years old. He's had a long hard life. Anyone who knows anything about South African history would know he has been through a lot. If you read his book you would know too. Long Walk To Freedom. I recently remembered about his book, and I started searching for it. I found it in the study, the covers are tired and old as the man on it.

I flipped it open and I saw something quite remarkable. Nelson Mandela's autograph.

To those who don't understand, Madiba wrote:"To Paul S. Cilliers (my dad), Best wishes."

Madiba is world famous, some see him as a freedom fighter, others see him as a terrorist. He is a great man, and he is responsible for the good changes in SA. But if you think about it.. Madiba did big things etc., but he didn't do them until the day he landed in the hospital. Madiba has maintained a low profile since his retirement in 2004.

He had public appearances here and there, but nothing in excess. Some think that South Africa will crash and burn if Madiba dies. But we won't though. We had problems when he was alive, and we will have them when he passes on. He is the father of the nation, as they say. But think of SA as a child. Children lose their dad's, but they go on with their lives, and so will our country. He is an amazing role model who means so much to us. But we can't hold on to him forever, the same as any other loved one.

We are not in charge of the series of events in our country, we can only go on and honor Madiba the best we can.

A new view.

Everyone, I have an announcement.

Today, I found someone new. He's big, strong, dark and handsome. I can change his look as I please, he won't complain about being tired.. He has a great memory and I understand him so well, you would almost think he came with an instruction manual! His name is 600D and he's all mine. He's quite heavy after a while, but I can live with that!

600D Canon. I love him.. Because he's the new view in my life.. I am definitely over my ex. He was small, ugly and quite sad!

  We had a good run.. But I think It's time I move on to better things, it's not you, it's Canon. Forever in my heart Fuji.. Forever.

I'll try to add some of my own photos to posts from now on! for now, here are my dogs!

A simple request

We all want certain things in life..

I am not a high maintenance person all the time.. Sometimes I have a few simple requests that can easily be fulfilled, but somehow life does not seem to get that. If I wanted to be married to Johnny Depp, I would totally get why that can't happen in this world.

But today, I didn't ask for Johnny Depp, or a castle, or a mystical land where school is fun. Nope, I just asked for some makeup. 11 sets of the same makeup, for the new girls in the band. I went to the store where I bought it last year, to my disgust they didn't have in stock, and I could not place any hope on them because they are perhaps, the most retarded store, in South Africa. Seriously.

So Today, I decided to go to another mall to look for similar makeup, sounds easy enough, right? I Looked EVERYWHERE. not one of those bitches had enough of the same sets! - That I could afford with the money they gave me that is... Anyway, after being in every store twice I decided to mix it up. I just took colors that were similiarish and bought 11. I will test my makeup skills and I will make the makeup fear me and then it WILL look the same on the girls.. Challenge accepted.

Life is supposed to be hard, I get it, I've read the quotes and all that crap. But damn, Life didn't have to be a bitch about a few sets of makeup. I almost went onto a psychological complex because of this. Stupid face crayons..

Sexy.

  

My best friend

Life is hard, but love is worse.

I liked this guy, for a long time. I was just never the right one, I just stood by and watched him like someone else.

I could never let him go. He was one of those people you can't lose, and I knew that. So I stayed. I was a friend to him, and I tried my best to be okay. As time went on, I realized I will never be with him, and I started feeling fine with that too. We're still friends, but there are these moments I just wish I was good enough, you now?

I think I fell too hard too fast for a boy that would only be a friend. I decided that to have him as a friend was better than having nothing at all. He's good and honest and true and I started liking him at a vulnerable stage of my life. I would have said I'm in love, but I don't even know what love is. I think I fell in love with the idea of being in love.

He's my best friend, and I'm okay with that.
Most of the time.

-Dedicated to Lee Anne! and anyone who understands..

There's something about ...

We are human, and humans are curious.

People have the ability to disguise their hearts and thoughts, be it with a smile, a look, what they say and especially what they don't say. Doing this, we only want to know more about them. I'm sure most of us have encountered such a person.

The person can excite you, frustrate you and even annoy you by doing nothing at all. They're not the problem, you are. We are more bothered by the things we don't know and not so much scared in the sense of the word.

I recently came across such a person. I see this person a lot. There is something in his smile, that makes you wonder what he's thinking. It's not a crush, it's the uncertainty of where I stand that interests me. Others' opinions don't matter, but I really want to know what his opinion is, because I am human, and thus. Curious.

The way he looks at a person, makes that person feel like they're the only person in the world. Regardless of who they are. And the moments when he stares and you try to catch your breath. He's like one of those unreachable people. A celebrity, but only I know him, and he doesn't have a Wikipedia page that can help me out.. If that makes any kind of sense.

What is he thinking, Where did he come from and why do I care??

These are the questions that haunt me. The part I hate the most is that I will probably never know..
 One does not simply interrogate an innocent person. No, no...

I'll just wonder some more.

Freedom, I think?

So today was our last day of school for this term.

Finally, I nearly died! Going to school after exams is quite sucky. You feel brain dead during exams already! so going to school afterwards won't really improve much!

We are now on holiday, sort of? The rest of the school is on holiday.. But the matrics have this glorious hell known as Winter school. It's like summer school. But none of us are forced to go, by teachers at least. It's your own choice. Most kids decide to come because deep down, they know.. If they don't attend, record exams will become an even bigger bitch.

While the other kids stay home, go out and have lives.. We will be busy with work. It's around this time, many question their subject choices and life, if it's a severe case of course. I'm attending winter school for French and easy Maths -_-.. I'm still trying to avoid it but I think my mom has won this battle.

Good luck if you are STILL busy with exams or school etc. Be strong!!

If you are on holiday without school.. I hate you and please don't tell me how fun life is.  

New things become old too.

I love it when I have good luck. I have time periods of good luck sometimes, it's pretty cool!

For example,  I"ll ace a test, make a new friend, nail a trumpet solo, be on the radio, find a song I love and talk to a celebrity. All in one week!!! But I noticed with other people, when things go better with them, they forget about the good they already have. I guess I'm guilty too.

You become so entranced by the new best things, you forget about the old things that were the best at some stage and time. If you aren't careful, you'll lose it and miss it when the new turns out to be a disappointment. My vision minimizes on things that are new, my shiny new toys of life. I can only see the new until it ages as all things do.


People don't appreciate what they have while they have it, when that person is gone, you only want 5 more minutes with them. Just to say goodbye and make peace with it. But you can't. It's the horrible fact of the matter. Life doesn't give second chances, so you have to take the first one and own it. Say what you feel when you feel it and do something unexpected. What if... you like it?

Just my luck.

I want to be a Journalist/Radio DJ, so obviously I want some exposure to these things! A simple request.

I visited the offices of "Rapport" in December - It's a newspaper, just to get the feel of things in that environment you know? I heard about a competition on our local radio station that gives aspiring radio presenters a chance to be on air. 

So I thought "Oh wow! That sounds like fun! let's get the info on the radio's website." I read it all and right in the middle of the article stood: "We’re  looking for vibrant and fun personalities" Okay I have that.. "with a zest for life and a lot of ambition, specifically for radio." I believe I have that... "Preferably you need to speak both English and Afrikaans (although it ‘s not essential)" I can speak both!  "and must be over the age of 18." Really???? I hate my age...

I'm not allowed to drink (Not that I'm an alcoholic.) Not allowed to drive.. Not allowed to gamble( not that I want to be a gambler.) I don't like being restricted, at all. My age robs me of brilliant opportunities and fun! I truly detest my age... But in 86 days, I will be quite content with my age again..  

 
http://is.gd/ZVcWdO

Tears, fears and the past 5 years.

My family and I went to Bloemfontein for my grandfather's funeral. We left here on Thursday for the funeral that was on Friday, and we came back today.

It was an emotional journey from the moment we knew we where going. You see, Bloemfontein is not at the top of my list of favorite places at this stage. Every time I'm there I cry. For readers from overseas.. I live in Pretoria, and my grandparents lived in Bloemfontein. Facts about Bloem: 

• It's cold
• It's cold
• And it's REALLY cold.
• And in the summer it's really hot.
• If you're from Pretoria, it will take a while before you grow accustomed to the PMSing weather.
• Bloemfontein is 5 hours away if you drive, so it's 3 hours too far -_-

There's nothing wrong with the people there. Them I love.. It's just the reasons why we go there that make me a little teary eyed. The series of unfortunate events started a little more than 5 years ago. My granny passed in January and my dad passed the day after the funeral in Bloem. And during our latest visit we drove passed our fear, the hotel where my dad never woke up that day. 

I didn't recognize it at first because there was a gate and changes etc. It seemed strange to me at that moment. But I realize, 5 years have passed, and things change. I remember it all too well to believe that it has already been 5 years. Some things just stay in your head. No matter how badly you want to avoid the thoughts, it doesn't make them go away. But even though we are sad, the good memories will stay to mend us. 

Somehow I feel at peace. Bloem has taken my loved ones. But it is a home to loved ones too. It's not a bad place, just sad things at a good place.

"Box"

Let's get this out of the way. People are annoying. All of them in their own way.

There are a few exceptions you just cannot get used to. You have a burning urge to end them every time you see them. But once someone has annoyed you to a severe state, everything they do annoys the hell out of you. I have a "box" for these individuals. It's small and immensely uncomfortable. I enjoy imagining all the insects on my windscreen of life squished up in this box. When it all becomes to much, I like thinking that I have the power to throw this bitch in a fire, or the ocean.

And if that doesn't work, I go on my stress-buster. You add a photo and destroy it! with Guns, fire, paint, a chainsaw and even more fire. It does really help! It's probably not healthy for my mental being. When I see someone annoying, I just remember how I shot their faces off the previous night.  I might need to see a therapist with some good reviews.

If someone annoys you beyond life, shove that bitch in that "box" and pick water or fire or your preferred method of relief. The floor is yours! It's your "box" after all. Now go find it!

Post-exam blues

So exams are over and everything, that's good I guess. But it means we have to mentally prepare ourselves to receive our marks.

So some of us make our appointments upfront for therapists, life coaches and doctors in the unfortunate event of getting a beating. After tests, you feel relaxed that it's over and all that crap. But we forget a mere detail every time. Someone marks the tests, and we have to face our marks eventually, whether it's a 91 for Afrikaans or a really bad mark for Music that I would rather not mention on the internet.

When you get your tests back, you might feel, angry, relieved, sad, impressed or even indifferent-some tests have that effect of "screw it. It's over, what happens from here does not matter, this day is dead to me, just like the test" (along with the teacher in some cases.) Getting upset about a bad mark is useless. You won't be able to get your test marks higher.

  That would be cool, but no. Look at your mistakes and just try harder. Moaning surprisingly doesn't help jack shit. So keep calm and try again.

This one is for everyone who got less impressive marks this term.

We've made it this far.

No-one said life was going to be easy, but no-one mentioned it would be such a bitch either.

We all want the same thing. We want to make it, we want to be okay. A simple request. But you have to work for it and get hurt on the journey, it's a given. I'm still in school and I am among others who absolutely detest it. It has been 12 years of torment and learning certain stuff I will probably never find applicable in life.

There were good times with my friends, but school wasn't a necessity to make friends. It was probably needed for brain development, or even perseverance! To each his own I guess.. I think school sucks so much for me personally because of past bullies and current frustrations who are merely oxygen thieves in my eyes. And unneeded, like commercials during a movie!

But a wise friend's words of wisdom gave me hope, it was actually in connection with a test pile up, but I applied it to this last year of school in general. She said:"We will make it. I promise." and I thought, well we've made it this far, why wouldn't we??

Needed motivation: Received

  

To everyone who needs that extra bit of motivation

Being a real writer

So, today started quite horribly. My grandfather  passed away. But Norman Mailer said "Being a real writer means being able to do the work on a bad day."

Death is the bad face of life and it's also one of the things we can't avoid. It's bittersweet, for me at least. Life's not supposed to be forever. Just like Queen's song "who wants to live forever." I always get into such a weird place in my head when someone dies. I go numb and emotionless.

It's a defense mechanism since my dad died 5 years ago I guess. The worst thing is that life goes on, and you feel like you're left behind and you always thought "something like that would never happen to me." But above all you feel cheated.  Cheated out of a loved one and angry. Because they weren't supposed to be gone yet.

There's nothing you can do. Feeling all these things will never bring them back. Life might have moved on without you, but you will catch up with it, not because you want to. You have to. Otherwise you will just die away like the mourners whose tears never dried up.

This one is dedicated to my Grandparents and my dad.
 

I survived

Days of suffering, torture, stress and fear have passed..

We fought our way through it all for 3 weeks. We went through the phases, denial, anger, negotiation. Then came the depression and soon after acceptance. Some days were easier, but some where like hand-feeding a crocodile. And some days, we wished would never come.

We poured every ounce of our being out day by day, and when we didn't pour it out, we prepared for the next day. During this time, beds looked more comfortable, shows on TV got better and your cellphone got busier. But I am a survivor.

 Exams suck don't they??

Luckily mine are dead now. I'm alive once again!! Good luck of you are still fighting, or are still going to fight. May the force be with you!

Last stretch to freedom!

So, the drama test is done.. My brain is on sleep-mode since the Monster FINALLY wore off. Monster mixed with Nootropil and Stress-aways makes your brain all confused! should I relax? Should I stay alert?? Should I address the fact that I have Restless legs syndrome?? (that's actually real.)

I didn't know what to do with my disoriented brain.. So I finished my test and then....

I crashed. Luckily I was finished with my test just in time. After the crash all that echoed in my brain was "bleh." I then pursued my dream of becoming Picasso, but it didn't work out.

So tonight is the last time I'm study for a while. Thank life.. I don't know if my brain could handle more than 15 Exams!

Drama

So I'm writing drama tomorrow. I am still probably in denial, since I'm here, on the internet.. I'm skipping sleep tonight, I bought a Monster energy drink the size of Mount Everest.

A drama test isn't 2 pages. I'm too scared to even count how many pages it is. Soon after this post i'll be slipping into reality. And negativity. Then I will build the great wall of the drama test around me and unpack it pile, by pile! Then soon after midnight a friend and I will attempt to keep each other awake. I will sleep for an hour, then I'll repeat the unpacking of the drama wall. In the test I will know the important answers, and silently whimper about the rest. But after the test all will be good again, I will then repeat this study method for French and Music on Friday. Fabulous.














This one is for the poor souls writing drama, we can do this!
And if you can't..... Well you won't die or anything.

To ask, or not to ask? That is the question...

So I'm in Matric this year, some people know it as senior year, sixth form, 12th grade, year 12 etc. Along with the mountains of work, this year has the matric-dance, also known as prom or formal. This is the chance for boys to ask girls to the event and make them feel special. But here in South Africa, there's something in the air that prevents the asking from happening for some.

I don't want a commitment or babies or anything! Just someone with me for the pictures and to verify that I'm not a wallflower. I'm seriously considering asking one of my friends, I hinted at it, but the boy is oblivious! It would be cool if I didn't have to ask. But I would rather ask and have a date, than not ask and go alone. Foreveralone.

I just want to know if it's socially acceptable to ask a guy to Matric-dance/prom? We don't have things like the Sadie Hawkins dance to test the theory. If it is okay, how should I ask? Without making it weird?

Guys, ask her out already! 

This one is for all the girls who haven't been asked, and motivation to the guys to ask!!

This day.

It's just one of them days again.. It started at 4.30 this morning. I set my alarm because I had to study a little more.

I shut off my terrible alarm tone, and I didn't move for a few moments because I was coming to terms with the fact that I was awake so early. Anything before 7.00 am is way too early. And then, without even looking in the mirror I knew I was going to have a bad hair day if I do not get up and tame the beast immediately. So I did.

I never seem to know how the heck I sleep so crazy that my hair has a hangover the next day. I wouldn't call it a skill, maybe a strange talent. I know there are others like me. If you can read this, I cannot provide food or shelter. But I do have hairspray like they do in Jerseylicious, and that's better than food. You'll be hungry, but you'll look good!

Okay, ANYWAYS! I studied a bit, had breakfast and dragged on to school. I was fairly confident about the test, until my friend Simon was like: This is gonna suck. And he's supposed to be the smart one! And at that moment, I was just thinking: Well then, if anyone needs me, I'll be here, failing.

But then I went through the test and relaxed, because the board of education set it up.

Now I'm home, at peace and my hair still looks good. - Happy place.

The art of study

The time to study is upon us, and this time is horrid. One has the potential to crack under the pressure, go crazy and kill teachers, or even consider failing.

To maintain sanity, study-breaks are mandatory. Don't think you will be smarter if you study for 5 hours straight, you will be smartly mistaken and possibly a little brain-dead. Study for as long as you can normally concentrate. If you don't know when that is, think of your brain as a microwave, instead if going "beep" when  you have lost concentration, your brain goes "blehg" or "meh." When you "meh," back away from the books with your hands up.

You can go for a walk, watch some TV, or just chill on your bed with your eyes closed. Do anything that doesn't involve studying. Study-breaks are good as long as you can manage your time right. Don't study for an hour, imagine the "meh" and take a break for 4 hours, you will fail, or do poorly in that next test.

And if you're writing English about "The Great Gatsby" for example, watching the movie doesn't count. Actual books have to be studied. The last time I checked, movies don't have an option to view the themes. There are no shortcuts in studying, just study hard enough to do well, and relax enough not to go completely insane!

Right, my brain went "meh" half an hour ago. Time to reheat..... Meh    

 This one is dedicated to everyone studying for some kind of torturous test!