Ah university...

You know how they always say: time flies when having fun? Well, the time flies part is true... but it hasn't been fun the entire time. I am staring my final exams as a first year right in the face.

This has been one of the scariest greatest and most terrifying years of my life. So many tests and tasks and tutorials and in between it is preferred to be sociable and approachable. I used to think matric was sucky. Boy was I wrong. I don't miss it, but I would prefer it.

Fun facts about university:
1. Yes it is that difficult
2. No the lecturers do not give a rat's ass if you don't come to class, or if you don't hand in tasks, or miss tests. Your problem.
3. If you need help, ask, no one gives advice for fun.
4. If you fail a subject, it's still your problem.
5. The restaurants sell alcohol on campus, it is your job to decide that you are going to class sober.
6. Don't test the theory that lecturers will let you write exams of you went to 1 class. This correlates with point NR 3. The choice is yours.
7. Make friends in every class to get your work for you, should you be unable to attend because you are drunk, high, lazy or actually sick.
8. If you begin with a task the night before, do not expect to sleep soundly. That shit is stressful. Just do your stuff on time.
9. Remember to breathe. There will be weeks with 2 tasks 5 tests, 3 tutorials and a small shitload of homework. Just take it step by step and don't have a breakdown.
10. By the way, there is no time for a breakdown when you start studying. Get your shit under control and just do what is expected.
11. You are entitled to bitch about the workload, but remember to actually do the work as you bitch along.

If you start to think you cannot do it, shut up and prove the monster inside you wrong. You are capable of more than you think.

A new chapter

On the 12th of September, on the night of my party, a wish of mine came true. There's this guy... He is really a one of a kind. I met him a few years ago, but we lost contact for a while. We reconnected at a party and I took a chance and forced him to add me on whatsapp nicely.

As we spoke more and more, I liked him more. I invited him to my party with a hopeful heart. The night progressed and there was this magical moment... Our hands touched and he held my hand. I'm pretty sure I heard the "Hallelujah" chorus at that moment. I liked him... and he actually liked me back.

And now, he is not just a guy. He is my boyfriend. Annette Cilliers is in a real relationship. It's been more that two weeks... but I still freak out like a child when I think of him. He has this way of looking at me and smiling, I cannot even explain it. I guess I'm one of the lucky girls who has the most perfect gentleman for a boyfriend. Score! He's a blessing.


True story x

Another year older

So another year, another birthday, another chapter ready to be written with ink full of life, love, tears, laughter and memories.

It has been a stressful year that almost had the upper hand ready to kick my ass. But I am a fighter. I have lived through 19 years and I have learnt lessons and  I have made mistakes, but I don't regret any of it. It made me who I am. Stories are the mold that forms us. We change form every day.

Should I ever decide to have kids, I would have loads of stories to share and advice to give, but if they are anything like me, I would not expect them to listen. That's fine too, we learn from our own mistakes easier than following advice, a flaw in the human race.

I had a dream that I would have made a difference in life by the age of 19... I haven't been on CNN or Sky News yet though. The differences I try to make are minimal at the moment. You won't find them in books or on the Internet, you won't hear about them on the radio. Not yet, of course.

All of us have the power to make the change and be the difference. But thanks to superficial bullshit, we have forgotten how to care for people we don't necessarily know. If every one tried to make someone random happy at least once a day, we would already be busy with a new worldwide movement. One day when I am important, I will introduce this movement as the "Because we are human" foundation. Spread the love with one random act of kindness each day. x

Too many thoughts

People enter your life for a reason, some of them leave for a reason too. What if, someone came and left and came back again? Is that like a sign that this person should definitely be a part of your life?

Or are they just like recurring actors in the series of your life? I hate the uncertainty life carries around just to kick your ass. I am not the type of person that can just go with it. I want facts and certainty and plans in place at all times. My emotions get stuck sometimes and they are 100% about what they want. Most of the time I just get hurt... So I stopped trying a long time ago. But now I am not taking chances on happiness. This puts me at risk of dying alone. Super morbid, I know. But if I don't take chances, I will never know.


So here I am. Stuck in uncertainty and not having a clue what to do... Gotta love having too many thoughts for my brain to handle. I will probably end up doing something bold and embarrassing, as always. So the next blog will be one of regret.

#iheartjoburg: A review

My best friend and I graced Ellispark with our presence yesterday, the long wait was over and it was finally time for the iheartjoburg festival.

I eagerly woke up, greeting the day with my Afrikaans study work; before we could enjoy the music, I had to write an exam real quick. After an hour finally dissolved into the past tense, we were on the road to the stadium. We were lost for a while, but thanks to Siri - the nice lady that lives in iPhones - we finally arrived at our destination!

We bought some overpriced merchandise, water and cold drinks and we were off to the Golden Circle. After a maze of useless metal barricades, way too many stairs and a dodgy ramp we were in front of the stage. Keep in mind that this all took place around 11:00... The sun wasn't shy to perform and toast the occasional retard who neglected to remember sunscreen.

The line-up of the show was insane!! The local artists were: Zebra & Giraffe, First Project, The Greame Watkins Project and CrashCarBurn. All of them were just amazing! Great energy fighting the heat of the sun and cool vibes all around. The international artists started playing at 15:00. T-Pain brought out this gangster vibe when he took the stage, like you just want to be in a gang for one song.

B.o.B came charging out with the biggest smile in the world. Within seconds he leaped off the tall-ass stage and ran over to the gates separating us from the stage. He sang to people, interacted with his fans, gave a killer performance and most importantly, HE GAVE ME A HIGH-5!!! Best high-5 ever. Panic! At The Disco kept the whole vibe going with my absolute favourite songs like "Gospel" and "I Write Sins Not Tragedies."

I went 10 kinds of crazy when Jason Derulo came out. I actually think I pulled a muscle when I attempted to hook my foot over my shoulder to show off my trumpet tattoo. That man can dance like it's nobody's business. Credit to his crew too. They performed like a well-oiled machine without any pause. The first thing I noticed about Jessie J was that she is so beautiful and real. She has a lot of love for her band which I find very special, and she has a lot of love for her fans. I think people can relate to her because even though she is famous, she remains a person. This makes her real.

And Fall Out Boy..... No words, they were so amazing I kept thinking that it cannot be real that I am seeing them perform. They are so cool and fun and great live performers! Pete Wentz did the talking. He is really funny and I remember that I always said I was going to marry him. When you're young, it's cute. When you get older you begin to borderline stalker..

When I woke up today, I was sore all over. But it was so worth it. I Heart Joburg. You beaut... May there be many more amazing years of I Heart Joburg to come. #officialsuperfan

Go study they said, it'll be fun they said.....

So I caught a case of serious student-blues last week.. Not that bad that I considered dropping out or anything death-defying like that... But I was pretty negative

I just came to a point where I wanted to give up and sleep till 2019.. because there were tasks, tests and too many emotions involved. I have always kept in mind why I am studying. I want to become smart, I want a good job, I want to be admired, I want to be a success and I want to use my chance that so many people never get.

Studying is a privilege that is under appreciated. Yes it's hard work, yes it sucks more than school (sorry kids), and yes some people are still assholes. Just because their studying, does not make them smart. But in a country where jobs are a serious battle to find and get... Studying gives the boost you need to be seen.

It wakes you up to show you no one will be checking up on you like teachers, because they seriously do not care. You are paying the fees and whether you pass or not, they still get paid. A few still care, appreciate them. I am not saying that people who do not study are not going to make it. Bill Gates made it. I just want to ensure my backup plan. In case I don't become Oprah or John Williams-like you know? My backup's backup is playing trumpet in dodgy jazz/blues lounges.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed for my first option of becoming a writer/journalist/show host. Remember kids: If you can dream it, you can do it. Nobody says it was easy. Lastly, if it's worth it, it's worth fighting for.

This one is for everyone with a dream. x

Unexpected endings

So I just finished one of my prescribed books.. "Duiwelskloof" they call it.. by André P. Brink. I do not know if I loved it or if I am just in a love-hate relationship with it.. Which would be sad and weird.

I am not going to critically analyse it now.. but it's basically a pre-historic version of Addams Family without the humour... It's completely violent, sexual and as blunt as you can get. Creepy highlights that I can remember... a girl with four breasts, a large woman with dodgy "natural medications", a cult-like community with too many ties and even more lies and a poor journalist that thought he could handle the people in duiwelskloof...

The ending was... Not what I expected? but then again! I am not sure what I wanted to see happen in the end.. Life as the books written about it can be quite unexpected. A current example, the great Robin McLaurin Williams.

We made the assumption that because he made people happy, he himself was happy. I was shocked to hear the news and all the movies I saw of him flashed through my brain, but once again, what did I expect? I made a little scenario in my head where he dies of natural causes in his holiday home on the beach.. I am supposed to know that life does not work out like the movies... Even if the person in question was in them.

A lot of people make people laugh and smile as they cry inside and try to work through their issues as quietly as they can.. This does not work. It's almost a method of self-destruction.. We have to come to terms with the fact that we can NEVER know what goes on in our best friend's head, not our significant other, not even our spouse's... We can only hope that the sadness blooms out in time and does not close in shutting everything out and keeping everything else locked in until it's too late.

Suicide is a dark place. Too dark to describe, just like the infamous Devil's valley at times. None of us could possibly fully understand.. unless my blog is available in the afterlife of course. The most important thing we must remember is that they have a peaceful blissful rest ahead from here on.

I will end my words with this quote I always loved by Robin Williams:" You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." Let your diamond shine up the sky and live for those who are not with us anymore <3

We 're all going to die anyway

Have you ever been in a scenario where your feelings become infuriatingly overpowering? So much so that your options are dying or killing.. I am not even kidding now.

Everyone who knows me, knows I am very outspoken. Almost too outspoken, and I don't expect anything less from people around me. If I annoy anyone, I want to know if it's a problem I can work on, or if the person I offended is completely delirious or just stupid (it could be possible.)

The main question still remains: How does one approach a sensitive scenario where you are fully aware that certain words and actions -which have to be done- can screw things up for you and/or people involved? It's safe to assume that you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.... If you keep it to yourself you will become batshit crazy... If you speak it you will probably regret it.

But an easy-ish way out could be to decide, which crappy conclusion, sucks less.. which conclusion will be less sucky over time? If that makes sense? The human race has to come to terms with the fact that there will be good endings and bad endings in everything until the day you die -which could be seen as good... or bad. Depending on what you believe in life. I agree with Epicurus, he's a philosopher -for those of you who are too lazy to google it.

Death need not concern us because, when we exist, death does not and when death exists, we do not. This idea completely blew my mind. (kabooooooooooom) So moral of the story is... When you find yourself in a shitty situation, don't stress too much. We all die in the end anyway.


My tombstone inscription will be one of a true Epicurean: I was not. I was. I am not. I do not care.

 *Think about it...

Dedicated to my near and dear person in life: Brandon Espach <3

Never back down

After reading my latest blogposts, I realised that I am being so negative and pessimistic that I am actually surprised no-one has thrown me with a grenade yet. I mean, seriously.... Moaning about everything like me really does not help.

I am not saying that we should try ignoring all the bad stuff that happens, but we just have to shift the focus to anything that makes you smile. Whatever it is, just do it, allow yourself to be happy. I am overcome with boredom when I think about everything that's wrong with the world.

My mom always says that everything is the way it's supposed to be at any given time. So I think bad things are just a buildup to something great, or a lesson, or just for your own good. So many people carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and they really don't have to.

Because if you are too emotionally involved in things you can't change, you will never experience the feeling if being high on happiness. If you are stressing yourself out about something, just ask yourself if it's going to matter in 10 years, a few of my problems became mere challenges. So life, bring it on, challenge accepted!

You are alive, you are here, now go out into the world and be whatever you want to be. There are no boundaries for a passionate soul.

Love and happiness x

No good news?

So when was the last time that you saw the news with anything positive? Like big news, not weird stuff like a mutant mom that just gave birth to 8 kids that came out of the womb singing "we are family."

Bombs, guns, death and corruption is the new craze and everybody's trying to keep up. I am aware that things are not great in South Africa, but lately with all the shitty news around the world, every small terrible detail of my country becomes scarier and unbearable at times. The latest news that threw me off life's roller coaster was about two boys. Four and five years old.

Both were taken during separate hijackings.. Just one survived. The five year old was dropped off by the thieves, the other one's foot was caught in the seat belt and he was dragged next to the car and he died soon after. The woman just wanted her child. But those thieves were too heartless to even try helping. It makes you wonder were the moral ethics got lost in the mix.

Who even does that?? What is wrong with you? what went so wrong in your life that makes stuff like this okay? Whether it was on purpose or an accident is irrelevant. Murder is murder. Life is made up of choices. Some are shittier than others.

There is no good news that's good enough to make the bad news less grim... And in other news a 9-year old boy married a woman of 62... Way to go SA..

But all of that being said, let me know if one of you find a country without bad news and bullshit... Want ons is proudly South African

Peace

I have not blogged in a while. Things have been crazy with the whole university vibe and all the other issues life throws at you.

I don't want every post to be so negative, but it has become difficult. I could always lie and say everything is fine, my grades are all up, I have a steady boyfriend, we're getting married next May etc. etc.... But where's the creativity in that?

I don't want to be another copy of a delusional reality that everyone wants to believe in because their true realities are so messed up that they choose to stay in the dark. People always say they wish they could run away from their problems, that doesn't even make sense to me. Running away will only create a distance between you and the issues.

Which doesn't get you any closer to happiness, depending on what you believe happiness is. Everyone has their own version. I don't believe there is something like true happiness. But I do believe that there is something like peace. An inner peace that you reach when you accept the fact that you can't be in control of everything. I'm still trying to reach that point, it takes a strong person to just be okay with life and all its baggage.

Clueless

I keep thinking my heart is too small for this world. If someone close to you, ever hurt you, would you confront them?

I wouldn't, that's why I am a coward. I keep letting people into my heart like it's a boarding house. The problem is that the people leave, but I keep expecting them to "be there" for me. Call it silly or stupid, but I think it's really called being naive. When people disappoint me without any excuse, I actually make up excuses for them.

How sad is that? I have recently been confronted with issues, events and disappointing people that I can't make up excuses for anymore. It actually hurts that I have started giving up on people. If this is what they call "growing up" take me back to the days where my biggest worries were being awake on time for my cartoons. Take me back to playing with dolls, laughing and not wondering what's in the future or looking over my shoulder at the things I did and didn't do in the past. 

So I am growing up. Great. If anyone knows how to make this horrible time pass. please just let me know. I usually have all the answers. But this time I am clueless, just like that stereotype. 18, clueless and regretting that I wished my childhood away so fast.

Grey

Yesterday wasn't a Thursday, it wasn't a good day.. It was just a grey dull day.

I wonder what's up with this world. When did everyone become so damaged and broken? When did we stop talking? Why did we stop talking? Why do people believe they're alone? Why do we ignore the sadness that chains us down more and more?

But why do people leave? Good people? Why do people grow apart? Everyone keeps saying "don't try to understand" but how can I not try? Obviously I want to know to help me accept this. It's hard on my heart, on everyone's heart. Sometimes I feel like my heart is too small for such a big world full of hurt.

An applicable poem:


Do not stand at my grave and weep - Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints in snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

for a friend gone too soon

<3 J

Those breakout moments

One of our main downfalls as people is the inability to express ourselves. A select few people actually have the balls to say a thing like it is.

I don't know if the rest of us are scared to hurt someones feelings, or we might be too scared to take that leap of honesty, fearing that we won't be prepared to stick the landing.. Whatever the reason... We hate hearing the truth as much as speaking it. Because apparently it's fine to leave someone in their own illusions now..

What's the worst that could happen? They get mad, big deal.. I would rather be hated for being honest than loved for being fake. It's an easy way to seek out the people who belong in your life, if your opinion matters to them, their company should matter to you.

Just don't try changing someone, or changing for someone, I know those breakout moments where you just want to attack someone to make them understand because being subtle never works, but try not to do that and give your mental well being a break. The real you will find the right company.

It's your life to live.

All of us enjoy approval. You can't deny it. You might say you don't care, but all of us care that little bit.

The problem  is that different people have different opinions, thus it would be a challenge to keep everyone happy the whole entire time. It would be impossible really.. so just don't.

The last time I checked, I was living MY life. MY religion, MY lifestyle, MY choices, MY everything. Face it, people will be disappointed in you, and you in them. The main thing you have to remember is that your own approval is the only thing that matters.

Stop searching for approval where it will never even matter in the long run. Stop caring so much, set your soul free and just be happy, because..

 

YOU ARE ENOUGH. Now believe it.