Change

I had the urge to write tonight, but I don't really know what I want to write today. I guess I'm going to be all nostalgic about this year.

Or the  past few years... I have these moments where I look back on my path and reflect on how stupid, or how wise I was or still am. Change is inevitable, everyone knows that, even if they cannot accept it in their lives.

All of us have changed in one way or another over the past 5 years. The part that confuses me a bit is the fact that I personally didn't even know that I was constantly changing. Obviously I didn't receive a text reminding me that I won't be the same as I was last month. I have changed in ways and I have stayed the same in ways, which makes me wonder what it all means.. Sayings like "change is good" and "never change" confuse me. It depends on what changes and what stays the same, but then again, I don't know everything in life, so who am I to decide what's good or bad?

Personally I think change is good and we have the power to make it great with the right point of view and an open mind. I'm off to university next year, so change is a constant subject in my head.. I'm excited about the changes to come because my life was starting to feel like a routine without end.

I am scared, obviously. But I know everything will work out as the universe wants it to, I am just going along for the ride, the adventure, the experience and for the fun.

It's been a while

It has been a month since my last post! here's a quick update on it all.
I finished high school, exams weren't hard, I didn't study that much, I am officially done with the orchestra, I went on 2 matric breakaways. Both were pretty kickass. And Madiba passed on.

Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela, Madiba, Tata.
Here in front of me lies your book.
Your story, your life in a page by page look.

You changed so much in your long walk,
people fell silent when they heard you talk.

Father of the nation, known by all.
You are such an idol and you will always stand tall.

The long walk to freedom has come to an end.
You are now free, hush now Madiba.

Rest now international friend.

-ABC

Not everyone liked Madiba, that much I know.. You have your opinion, and I have mine.. No person can be called perfect (except Kanye West.. but he calls himself perfect, thus making him an asshole)

Don't judge someone's past if you haven't even thought of yours.

The Final Countdown

I am in the middle of my final exams. Already.

When 2013 started I was pretty excited about finishing school, I still am, but I am a bit anxious now. In about 2 months I will begin with university, you know that place where people get their degree and go to "Lectures" and become adults, I know this sounds very immature. I don't care, if there's a time to be immature it's now, and it's basically over.

I went to the university (after almost dying at my blood tests) to hand in my contract, then it hit me: Holy crap this is happening. I don't know why I'm shocked or surprised or whatever you would like to call this emotion. I mean it's not like I thought I'd be in school forever, but I wasn't bargaining that it would end this fast. Especially high school, I never liked school, but it was like an illusion of safety from paying bills and going to work and all that stuff.

I do remember feeling like this once, before high school, and I survived that mostly apart from evil teachers and hell-bred teenagers. I know you can't really compare highschool and university, but if I survived school I will survive university, one way or another.

I can't wait to meet new people and experience new things though because the last part of high school was like watching a bad reality show on repeat. I have 6 tests left. 6 until I'm free from school and uniforms. 6 until I am free from a selected few teachers. Just 6, if I pass that is....

KIDDING.

My mom would kill me, she really would.

How to screw up easy mix pancakes in 10 easy steps

One would think it would be hard to screw up something as simple as easy mix pancakes. Let me assure you, it is quite possible, as sad as it may sound.

1. Enter the kitchen with over confidence
2. Don't read the instructions
3. Throw away the instructions
4. Act like Gordon Ramsay
5. Don't read the instructions
6. When you notice there's something off about the mix, continue in denial that it will get better.
7. When you later try to fix it, add water, oil, eggs and mezena with a hopeful heart
8. Don't read the instructions.
9. Taste the sludge, experience an epiphany, now scratch through the dustbin for the instructions, read them, feel like a moron. Imagine Gordon Ramsay asking you "how do you f#@$ up a premix you silly cow???
10. If you have followed these easy steps, congratulations, you now too can screw up a premix. ANY premix

 I am now completely depressed by this unfortunate event. I'm going to find myself a nice corner and have a good cry

The end. Die einde. Fine.

The band year has ended, my last band year. The place I felt safe and happy most of the time is gone now.

Everything ends, I know that. This time it's just scarier and sad. Finishing with the band is like a confirmation that I'm on my way to live my life. The one after school. I absolutely hate school, but the idea of growing up scares me. I am so unsure of everything.

I thought I would have had everything figured out by now. A certainty to calm me. I should know by now that life doesn't work that way. Being dependant on myself sounds great, but I know that there will always be times that I want my mommy. It doesn't matter how old or smart you are, there are just some things that only your mom can make better.

I'm a momma's girl and I'm proud. If all else fails call mom.

Stressing up about the small stuff.

I am once again starting to contradict myself.

As times change, emotions change along with them most of the time. Today you might be worried about something that seems incredibly important, but if you look back on it within 1 or two years, it seems mind numbingly pointless.

I think a person becomes someone different every few years, even if it happens slowly or really spontaneously. Not different like a contrast, just a new way of thinking or doing things. It's what people do, eat, poop, sleep and change, and not as in diapers. We as humans are stuck in moments that aren't supposed to be permanent. They're just temporary feelings that WILL change.

Obviously we don't think about things like that. All of us are a little selfish deep down, somewhere inside we do think of ourselves and what to protect and avoid for our own good. Even if it hurts people. Imagine how life would be if you thought ahead?? If you knew what was really important, if you didn't stress the small (temporary) stuff. Life would be, easy.

In my case I freak out about stuff and then, the next day I know it was completely idiotic. As unstable as I am sometimes, I enjoy these moments of having an epiphany. I also enjoy using words like epiphany. But that's beside the point. Bottom line: I am not crazy, all the time anyway.

A morbid tone

I hate my emotions sometimes.. I'm happy, I cry, I'm angry I'm a bitch... All in like one day, no it's not just being a teenager or PMSing.

I think my brain might be overloaded with crap.. Let's review. (clears throat) I'm trying to pass matric./ Senior year. I'm stressed about my friends. Band practise is like everywhere, every minute. My grandpa's alone since his wife died - not my gran(long story) I'm worried about next year, will I make it?? am I going to make my mom proud? Am I ever going to sleep again?? will I be able to do what I dream of doing one day??

Will I get a husband? or even a boyfriend-still haven't had one of those... Will I have kids?? If I do, how many? Boys or girls? how many pets will I have? what kind of phone will I have by the time I'm 50? If I even get to that age?

Then I remember... Holy shit, calm down you do not have the power to decide all these things right this minute. That freaks me out because I like being in charge of stuff and knowing what's coming next... But right now I have no idea.. I should get used to this, life is to expect the unexpected.. That and karma.. "Welcome to Life, may I take your order?? oh wait, this is karma, you get served what you deserve.. Don't piss her off, she's feisty.

Get used to not being in control of EVERYTHING. Things just can't work that way. Deal with it.

Excuse the morbid tone of my words. Everything just sucks right now.