A new chapter

On the 12th of September, on the night of my party, a wish of mine came true. There's this guy... He is really a one of a kind. I met him a few years ago, but we lost contact for a while. We reconnected at a party and I took a chance and forced him to add me on whatsapp nicely.

As we spoke more and more, I liked him more. I invited him to my party with a hopeful heart. The night progressed and there was this magical moment... Our hands touched and he held my hand. I'm pretty sure I heard the "Hallelujah" chorus at that moment. I liked him... and he actually liked me back.

And now, he is not just a guy. He is my boyfriend. Annette Cilliers is in a real relationship. It's been more that two weeks... but I still freak out like a child when I think of him. He has this way of looking at me and smiling, I cannot even explain it. I guess I'm one of the lucky girls who has the most perfect gentleman for a boyfriend. Score! He's a blessing.


True story x

Another year older

So another year, another birthday, another chapter ready to be written with ink full of life, love, tears, laughter and memories.

It has been a stressful year that almost had the upper hand ready to kick my ass. But I am a fighter. I have lived through 19 years and I have learnt lessons and  I have made mistakes, but I don't regret any of it. It made me who I am. Stories are the mold that forms us. We change form every day.

Should I ever decide to have kids, I would have loads of stories to share and advice to give, but if they are anything like me, I would not expect them to listen. That's fine too, we learn from our own mistakes easier than following advice, a flaw in the human race.

I had a dream that I would have made a difference in life by the age of 19... I haven't been on CNN or Sky News yet though. The differences I try to make are minimal at the moment. You won't find them in books or on the Internet, you won't hear about them on the radio. Not yet, of course.

All of us have the power to make the change and be the difference. But thanks to superficial bullshit, we have forgotten how to care for people we don't necessarily know. If every one tried to make someone random happy at least once a day, we would already be busy with a new worldwide movement. One day when I am important, I will introduce this movement as the "Because we are human" foundation. Spread the love with one random act of kindness each day. x

Too many thoughts

People enter your life for a reason, some of them leave for a reason too. What if, someone came and left and came back again? Is that like a sign that this person should definitely be a part of your life?

Or are they just like recurring actors in the series of your life? I hate the uncertainty life carries around just to kick your ass. I am not the type of person that can just go with it. I want facts and certainty and plans in place at all times. My emotions get stuck sometimes and they are 100% about what they want. Most of the time I just get hurt... So I stopped trying a long time ago. But now I am not taking chances on happiness. This puts me at risk of dying alone. Super morbid, I know. But if I don't take chances, I will never know.


So here I am. Stuck in uncertainty and not having a clue what to do... Gotta love having too many thoughts for my brain to handle. I will probably end up doing something bold and embarrassing, as always. So the next blog will be one of regret.

#iheartjoburg: A review

My best friend and I graced Ellispark with our presence yesterday, the long wait was over and it was finally time for the iheartjoburg festival.

I eagerly woke up, greeting the day with my Afrikaans study work; before we could enjoy the music, I had to write an exam real quick. After an hour finally dissolved into the past tense, we were on the road to the stadium. We were lost for a while, but thanks to Siri - the nice lady that lives in iPhones - we finally arrived at our destination!

We bought some overpriced merchandise, water and cold drinks and we were off to the Golden Circle. After a maze of useless metal barricades, way too many stairs and a dodgy ramp we were in front of the stage. Keep in mind that this all took place around 11:00... The sun wasn't shy to perform and toast the occasional retard who neglected to remember sunscreen.

The line-up of the show was insane!! The local artists were: Zebra & Giraffe, First Project, The Greame Watkins Project and CrashCarBurn. All of them were just amazing! Great energy fighting the heat of the sun and cool vibes all around. The international artists started playing at 15:00. T-Pain brought out this gangster vibe when he took the stage, like you just want to be in a gang for one song.

B.o.B came charging out with the biggest smile in the world. Within seconds he leaped off the tall-ass stage and ran over to the gates separating us from the stage. He sang to people, interacted with his fans, gave a killer performance and most importantly, HE GAVE ME A HIGH-5!!! Best high-5 ever. Panic! At The Disco kept the whole vibe going with my absolute favourite songs like "Gospel" and "I Write Sins Not Tragedies."

I went 10 kinds of crazy when Jason Derulo came out. I actually think I pulled a muscle when I attempted to hook my foot over my shoulder to show off my trumpet tattoo. That man can dance like it's nobody's business. Credit to his crew too. They performed like a well-oiled machine without any pause. The first thing I noticed about Jessie J was that she is so beautiful and real. She has a lot of love for her band which I find very special, and she has a lot of love for her fans. I think people can relate to her because even though she is famous, she remains a person. This makes her real.

And Fall Out Boy..... No words, they were so amazing I kept thinking that it cannot be real that I am seeing them perform. They are so cool and fun and great live performers! Pete Wentz did the talking. He is really funny and I remember that I always said I was going to marry him. When you're young, it's cute. When you get older you begin to borderline stalker..

When I woke up today, I was sore all over. But it was so worth it. I Heart Joburg. You beaut... May there be many more amazing years of I Heart Joburg to come. #officialsuperfan

Go study they said, it'll be fun they said.....

So I caught a case of serious student-blues last week.. Not that bad that I considered dropping out or anything death-defying like that... But I was pretty negative

I just came to a point where I wanted to give up and sleep till 2019.. because there were tasks, tests and too many emotions involved. I have always kept in mind why I am studying. I want to become smart, I want a good job, I want to be admired, I want to be a success and I want to use my chance that so many people never get.

Studying is a privilege that is under appreciated. Yes it's hard work, yes it sucks more than school (sorry kids), and yes some people are still assholes. Just because their studying, does not make them smart. But in a country where jobs are a serious battle to find and get... Studying gives the boost you need to be seen.

It wakes you up to show you no one will be checking up on you like teachers, because they seriously do not care. You are paying the fees and whether you pass or not, they still get paid. A few still care, appreciate them. I am not saying that people who do not study are not going to make it. Bill Gates made it. I just want to ensure my backup plan. In case I don't become Oprah or John Williams-like you know? My backup's backup is playing trumpet in dodgy jazz/blues lounges.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed for my first option of becoming a writer/journalist/show host. Remember kids: If you can dream it, you can do it. Nobody says it was easy. Lastly, if it's worth it, it's worth fighting for.

This one is for everyone with a dream. x

Unexpected endings

So I just finished one of my prescribed books.. "Duiwelskloof" they call it.. by André P. Brink. I do not know if I loved it or if I am just in a love-hate relationship with it.. Which would be sad and weird.

I am not going to critically analyse it now.. but it's basically a pre-historic version of Addams Family without the humour... It's completely violent, sexual and as blunt as you can get. Creepy highlights that I can remember... a girl with four breasts, a large woman with dodgy "natural medications", a cult-like community with too many ties and even more lies and a poor journalist that thought he could handle the people in duiwelskloof...

The ending was... Not what I expected? but then again! I am not sure what I wanted to see happen in the end.. Life as the books written about it can be quite unexpected. A current example, the great Robin McLaurin Williams.

We made the assumption that because he made people happy, he himself was happy. I was shocked to hear the news and all the movies I saw of him flashed through my brain, but once again, what did I expect? I made a little scenario in my head where he dies of natural causes in his holiday home on the beach.. I am supposed to know that life does not work out like the movies... Even if the person in question was in them.

A lot of people make people laugh and smile as they cry inside and try to work through their issues as quietly as they can.. This does not work. It's almost a method of self-destruction.. We have to come to terms with the fact that we can NEVER know what goes on in our best friend's head, not our significant other, not even our spouse's... We can only hope that the sadness blooms out in time and does not close in shutting everything out and keeping everything else locked in until it's too late.

Suicide is a dark place. Too dark to describe, just like the infamous Devil's valley at times. None of us could possibly fully understand.. unless my blog is available in the afterlife of course. The most important thing we must remember is that they have a peaceful blissful rest ahead from here on.

I will end my words with this quote I always loved by Robin Williams:" You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." Let your diamond shine up the sky and live for those who are not with us anymore <3

We 're all going to die anyway

Have you ever been in a scenario where your feelings become infuriatingly overpowering? So much so that your options are dying or killing.. I am not even kidding now.

Everyone who knows me, knows I am very outspoken. Almost too outspoken, and I don't expect anything less from people around me. If I annoy anyone, I want to know if it's a problem I can work on, or if the person I offended is completely delirious or just stupid (it could be possible.)

The main question still remains: How does one approach a sensitive scenario where you are fully aware that certain words and actions -which have to be done- can screw things up for you and/or people involved? It's safe to assume that you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.... If you keep it to yourself you will become batshit crazy... If you speak it you will probably regret it.

But an easy-ish way out could be to decide, which crappy conclusion, sucks less.. which conclusion will be less sucky over time? If that makes sense? The human race has to come to terms with the fact that there will be good endings and bad endings in everything until the day you die -which could be seen as good... or bad. Depending on what you believe in life. I agree with Epicurus, he's a philosopher -for those of you who are too lazy to google it.

Death need not concern us because, when we exist, death does not and when death exists, we do not. This idea completely blew my mind. (kabooooooooooom) So moral of the story is... When you find yourself in a shitty situation, don't stress too much. We all die in the end anyway.


My tombstone inscription will be one of a true Epicurean: I was not. I was. I am not. I do not care.

 *Think about it...

Dedicated to my near and dear person in life: Brandon Espach <3