Fear of the unknown

And so, a new semester commences. New books, new work, new lecturers, same stress. Somehow a new task or challenge seems terrifying when you initially come across it.

Think about it, a little kid realizes she cannot ride her bike with training wheels forever. Eventually she has to find her balance with her feet. What a scary yet exhilarating thought. The fear that taunts us finds its home in the face of the unknown. We are frightened of the things we do not know. Not to mention the things we cannot control. 

When I was that little kid, I believed falling was the worst thing that could happen to me in my entire life. As if I fall off more than just my bike. I might fall off the world!

I got on my bike, took a deep breath and started peddling for my life. The superhero speed was short-lived thanks to a very large camouflaged dip in the sand. I fell, but not off the earth, more into it.

The point is, it was not as dramatic as I thought it would be. A short time after, I overcame a new fear, imperfect sandwiches. You know? The kind where the cheese is falling off the bread, or the syrup is running out and making everything sweet and soggy. My personal worst fear was when some of the mincemeat fell off my toast. 

I saw imperfect sandwiches as ruined meals. Inedible. When I finally realized the imperfections did not matter my dad was almost more relieved than me. 

We face difficulties every single day. At that moment you think it is all just too much, you cannot do it. It's impossible. But just remember all the times you have felt like that, you made it this far, just do it.

I will end with a quote:
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.
- Charles Bukowski

The gamble that is life

I desperately want to write something smart. I am a student. I am supposed to be smart.

Fat chance.

Once you think you know something, in reality you still don't know anything. This whole student life thing is really hard. A reality check is an understatement. School was a joke and you know what? I did not learn anything of major importance. The lesson that meant the most to me, is that people are assholes.

University is no walk in the park. My scores are less than desirable to say the least. The extremely shitty thing is, the moment you think you finally comprehend the work, you receive a test score reminding you, you suck.

Working at a grocery store never looked so great. People study 3 to 8 years to receive a certificate they might frame and eventually forget as it gathers dust in that one drawer that contains the weirdest most useless stuff you own.

Then again, your chances to get a more bearable job improve considerably if you have that certificate. The only way you can remain partially sane in the life of a student, is to remember, it is an attempt at a better future. I say attempt because I know a qualification does not secure a job for all of us. It's a gamble.

Life is one big gamble. You just have to blow on your lucky dice and hope the odds are ever in your favour. The way I see it, is that if you give up halfway why did you try in the first place?

Finish the race, you might fall on the way, fall flat on your face or even your ass (Depending on your coordination and overall balance. Fatties like myself will suffer here and there) But for goodness sake, get up and go on.

Made in South Africa

This is what I live for. This is who I am. I am watching the State Of The Nation of South Africa, and it is utter chaos. Proudly South African? I think not.

If the nation's political parties cannot even survive one speech by the "honourable president..." how completely screwed are we? I was aware that we are in a bad state... But this? No wonder people leave. Shout out to the parties who left. The fact that you kept bitchslapping the "madam speaker" with constitutional rules had her speechless with rage.. Because she had no reply...

2 Political parties have left the occasion. The DA by choice and the EFF by force. The DA left gracefully after requirements regarding their rights were not met. The EFF... Ja Malema, you have serious guts to take on the president in the middle of his speech.. But you cannot enforce a rule by breaking another one. Now the president is giving a speech to the members of his own party basically. I don't know where the other parties went... Maybe they are having a joined party (insert laugh here) at some unsuspecting coffeehouse.

The people of SA are tired, we are angry, we are gatvol. The crime, the poverty... and at the risk of being too literal. The actual state of the nation. Why are we loadshedding? Apartheid. Why are we poor? Apartheid. What do we blame every time without any hesitation? Apartheid. When will we start blaming Nkandla? When will we blame the parliament? When will we blame Zuma?

We don't care about your speech! It has been the same speech for the past 8 years!!! We want answers to the questions that we have been asking time and time again. The worst part of this dyingofboredomspeech is that you never follow through on all of your promises. You don't try, you don't care.

Mister Zuma,
The clock is ticking and you are not delivering.. I think we all know which component is unchangeable. #needanewleader #thisoneisbroken #anyoneforpresident. And no, not you Malema. Sorry neh. You have drive and dedication. But your approach is definitely questionable.

#loveit #hateit #shareit

2015 It's your turn

So it seems that I have forgotten that I own a blog, how awkward. But I am back now! Since November not much has happened really...

I passed my first year, BOOM BITCH!!! I am not going to lie, but I was expecting a few supplementary exams, luckily I dodged that bullet. I went on holiday which was nice, and interesting.. But mostly nice. I had my very first New Years kiss which was as awesome as it was cheesy..

So now I am patiently waiting for university to begin again and annoy me to my very core... Yay, yay life. I cannot say I am happy to go back, but I am curious as to what the year has in store for me. Whatever it is I will suck it up and try my best to survive.

Speaking of survive, that's my only new years resolution. I have to physically and mentally survive this year and if I succeed in that, I will be happy. Usually, my new years resolutions will be those that everyone know all too well: get a boyfriend, lose weight, be nicer, work harder... I have a boyfriend now.. Losing weight is a losing battle if your head is not in it. Being nicer would require being nice already... So no. And working harder only sticks for the first 2 weeks.

So I am trying the realistic approach of just surviving. That should be doable, right?

Happy New Year to all, I hope each of you succeed in your tasks and that you have a wonderful year ahead with new stories to tell and feelings to feel. Xx

Ah university...

You know how they always say: time flies when having fun? Well, the time flies part is true... but it hasn't been fun the entire time. I am staring my final exams as a first year right in the face.

This has been one of the scariest greatest and most terrifying years of my life. So many tests and tasks and tutorials and in between it is preferred to be sociable and approachable. I used to think matric was sucky. Boy was I wrong. I don't miss it, but I would prefer it.

Fun facts about university:
1. Yes it is that difficult
2. No the lecturers do not give a rat's ass if you don't come to class, or if you don't hand in tasks, or miss tests. Your problem.
3. If you need help, ask, no one gives advice for fun.
4. If you fail a subject, it's still your problem.
5. The restaurants sell alcohol on campus, it is your job to decide that you are going to class sober.
6. Don't test the theory that lecturers will let you write exams of you went to 1 class. This correlates with point NR 3. The choice is yours.
7. Make friends in every class to get your work for you, should you be unable to attend because you are drunk, high, lazy or actually sick.
8. If you begin with a task the night before, do not expect to sleep soundly. That shit is stressful. Just do your stuff on time.
9. Remember to breathe. There will be weeks with 2 tasks 5 tests, 3 tutorials and a small shitload of homework. Just take it step by step and don't have a breakdown.
10. By the way, there is no time for a breakdown when you start studying. Get your shit under control and just do what is expected.
11. You are entitled to bitch about the workload, but remember to actually do the work as you bitch along.

If you start to think you cannot do it, shut up and prove the monster inside you wrong. You are capable of more than you think.

A new chapter

On the 12th of September, on the night of my party, a wish of mine came true. There's this guy... He is really a one of a kind. I met him a few years ago, but we lost contact for a while. We reconnected at a party and I took a chance and forced him to add me on whatsapp nicely.

As we spoke more and more, I liked him more. I invited him to my party with a hopeful heart. The night progressed and there was this magical moment... Our hands touched and he held my hand. I'm pretty sure I heard the "Hallelujah" chorus at that moment. I liked him... and he actually liked me back.

And now, he is not just a guy. He is my boyfriend. Annette Cilliers is in a real relationship. It's been more that two weeks... but I still freak out like a child when I think of him. He has this way of looking at me and smiling, I cannot even explain it. I guess I'm one of the lucky girls who has the most perfect gentleman for a boyfriend. Score! He's a blessing.


True story x

Another year older

So another year, another birthday, another chapter ready to be written with ink full of life, love, tears, laughter and memories.

It has been a stressful year that almost had the upper hand ready to kick my ass. But I am a fighter. I have lived through 19 years and I have learnt lessons and  I have made mistakes, but I don't regret any of it. It made me who I am. Stories are the mold that forms us. We change form every day.

Should I ever decide to have kids, I would have loads of stories to share and advice to give, but if they are anything like me, I would not expect them to listen. That's fine too, we learn from our own mistakes easier than following advice, a flaw in the human race.

I had a dream that I would have made a difference in life by the age of 19... I haven't been on CNN or Sky News yet though. The differences I try to make are minimal at the moment. You won't find them in books or on the Internet, you won't hear about them on the radio. Not yet, of course.

All of us have the power to make the change and be the difference. But thanks to superficial bullshit, we have forgotten how to care for people we don't necessarily know. If every one tried to make someone random happy at least once a day, we would already be busy with a new worldwide movement. One day when I am important, I will introduce this movement as the "Because we are human" foundation. Spread the love with one random act of kindness each day. x