Back in the Town of Cape

I am back in The Beautiful Cape... Every time I'm here I hate Pretoria a little more. The ocean calms me down faster than Prozacs!

We landed here yesterday! Some of the cast and crew members of the movie 'Familieresep' were invited to come to the Silwerskerm filmfees (film festival) to watch some movies, mingle with some actors, party and just enjoy the ride!!

I was stranger than usual yesterday.. When we got to the airport I went on 'Trevor mode.' He's a well-known South African comedian, go watch some of his videos, the man's a genius!!! Every time there was an announcement I said "ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS!!!!!!!" -in a black accent because it's funnier that way.

When we finally got on the plane, we were delayed because the plane in front of us on the runway had smoke coming out of the side. So that's welcoming! There were a bunch of actors on the plane with us, knowing that, I felt pretty cool that I will be seeing them all at the film fest! All famous and shit!

But I realized that actors are people too.
Except Johnny Depp, he's a god.

I'm loving Angels instead

I've been missing my dad a lot lately. It has been more than five years now..

I will probably always become this sad once in a while. It's hard to lose anyone, and it never stops hurting. All the little things remind me of him.. When I hear the garage door slam, I can still see him walking in with a bag with something to nibble on, that was just his way.

When I'm at weddings and I see the brides being given away by their dad's, I wonder who will give me away at mine. When the orchestra is performing or if I have a gig, I desperately wonder what my dad would think.. And if I'm doing the growing up thing right.

I miss his jokes and his stories.. No-one could ever manage to tell or write a story like he did.. He was my world's greatest storyteller and a dad who was always there until his last day. I dream about him sometimes.. and I even laugh at his jokes that I can remember..

When I think about where he's resting now, I see him at a table, with a typewriter -he was a hipster before it was cool- and I see him with his nerdy glasses and a cup of coffee, just the way he liked it. I see him writing, writing everything he can think of. He is happy and at peace, it would just be nice to see him. Even if it was just for one last time.

Just "lekker"

for those who are not familiar with the word "lekker" it can mean a few things, it is just up to your interpretation. It could mean nice, as in, "this cake is nice", it can also mean fun, as in, "that guy is fun" and it can also mean good, as in, "that was a good night"

It's probably the repeated rape of a word that's used too much in Afrikaans. Since the surfacing of the video with the famous words:"lekker man, lekker" people have been using that word a lot. Inappropriately most of the time too which sends people into a burst of laughter and others into a valley of distaste. Depending on the person of course.

I really wanted to blog about my weekend's events, but the English language lacks the requisite word to express how my weekend was, so I'll say it in Afrikaans. Dit was lekker man. Dit was lekker.

On Friday I was a mess. stressed out about drama, my music exam and a speech that I had to prepare for French. You could call it a bit of a breakdown. On Saturday it was time for my friend's 18th.. Without getting into the details that already roamed the school, I can honestly say that I needed that night to calm the heck down and boy did I???

It was a night that I won't easily forget, because it was incredibly strange and a bit unusual. despite that, or thanks to that, it seriously was that lekker.

Seriously.

Are you proud?

There is nothing quite as evil as a teenager. Or that's what I think at least, a hair raising kind of evil would probably be a teen with alcohol..

Anyway.. I recently discovered that I can no longer do as I please on MY weekends in MY life because I would then be placing myself in harms way in terms of public humiliation. Since humiliating people is trending at the moment. Some people just don't get the fact that they should mind their own damn business. I guess it's because I know the feeling of being humiliated in front of peers who just laugh at you, that I am quite disgusted at this stage. That is just how things work around here I suppose. I admit, it started out funny, because everything that does not happen to you is funny.

But when you take a moment to consider the victim's feelings, and how it would suck if that had been you, the joke's over. The worst part of it all is that these words try to break you and at that moment there is nothing you can do. Words hurt much more than any physical act.

People just don't understand how deep the wounds of words cut. They never will unless they experience it too. I don't remember signing my soul off to the sad individuals who think they can judge me, so what I do on my weekends is irrelevant. And if I want to do drugs, empty out a bar and marry a hobo. I will, because it's my life after all.

I just want to know if the writers are proud of their work.. belittling others to make your shitty life seem better.. That's what it's all about apparently, ain't it grand??

Trust

Who can you trust? Who can't you trust? How do you label someone trustworthy? I wish there was a sign that people showed that tells you whether you can trust them or not.

There's a stereotype that people who"look" and "Seem" nice, can always be trusted. Just because they look socially acceptable in the eyes of the main-streamers. Well this is a myth that has totally been busted. Nice looking people will screw you over just as easily as stingy looking ones. The only difference is that they will do it with a bigger smile.

Don't just trust people, trust must be gained, not just given. I'm not saying you should be a total paranoid mess.. Just think clearly before you decide to tell someone something personal.. Because that person might just be messed up enough to pass the story on.

Pass on sounds innocent .. The word I'm looking for is add-on. Small minded schoolkids will hear a story, let's say this:"Diana is a girl" but by the time that story comes back from its trip around the world it's something like :"Diana is a transvestite who had a sex change Her name used to be Dean." Stupid example, but you get it, and if you don't, there's no hope. literally.

Anyway, the point is, trust the right people and be sure that you can call your friends, friends and not "friends." Or you just might almost lose your strangest best friend.

Dedicated to Dave*

*The name has been changed to protect the identity of the best strange friend I've ever met.

If you don't know me.

I know people are judgemental, this is not news to me, but lately I'm becoming more annoyed by it.

I judge people around me that I know, and they judge me. It's almost more acceptable than the things I am starting to notice. People I don't even know think that they have the right to judge me for some reason. this pisses me off intensely. Who the hell are you to judge me? Do you know me? Have you lived my life? Do you do what I do? NO.

Today again, a random guy in my school decided he could play Joan Rivers and he came to the conclusion that I am worst of the week. I stood there and felt how my heart sank to my feet and how my self-esteem took a dive. Who is he? I don't know.. All I know is that he managed to hurt me without saying a thing. It's easy to say "ignore them," "screw them" and "they are nothing." It's very hard to find value in yourself when you see people laughing at you. 

I'm not the image of perfection.. But that doesn't mean I am open to be judged by people who aren't anything special themselves. I'm tired, I am exhausted by hurtful schoolkids that think they have the power to make me feel like shit. I don't know if it's just the kids in my school that feed on hurting other people, but I am seriously over it. I don't even want to say something mean back at the guy from earlier today... I would just like to know what I did to him that he felt the need to mess up my day and if my appearance disturbs his daily life.

People don't even now how much they can hurt each other by words or gestures or just looks.. A lot of kids have that same judgemental look. It's like they go to a class where some halfbreed teacher shows them how to attack someone from the inside. 

If you're like that, answer this: Do you feel proud when you make someone feel like a reject? Do you even know how long someone can remember something that hurt them in such a way? And lastly, What is wrong with you? Try pursuing a less damaging activity. You can only break so many people before karma bites you in the ass and breaks you.

If you don't know me, don't judge me. 

So life is starting to happen

This is going to sound stupid but it's starting to hit me that we're growing up.. Kids are starting to look like adults as they drive to school in their own cars, life is becoming more serious and I am getting nervous.

I only got my own bank account now.. My own bank account, with my own money and everything! It sucks that I can't ask my mom for money anymore, but hey, that's life. Another thing that's kind of bringing me to terms with the fact that I'm growing up, is the fact that I received mail from the University of Pretoria today.

"Dear Miss A Cilliers. It is my pleasure to inform you that you are provisionally accepted to The University of Pretoria based on your current results...."

So that's cool I guess. I just feel pathetically nervous about it all. I still have to write my Record exams and Finals before I even want to think about university. Growing up is scary, but I don't think it's half as scary as some of the teenagers around me. I truly believe that there are teenagers more vicious than Hades. Seriously, I am not even joking.

I am prepared to work my fingers to the bone, I would do anything just to be done with school. If one more person tells me I'm going to miss it, I am going to completely lose it. I sincerely hate school right now. It's been 11 years, 8 months and 5 days..

School is like a 12 course meal at a super slow restaurant.. I'm full now and I asked for the cheque about 3 courses ago and the waiter is missing. If I could resign, I would. I really would, so I'll just stay nervous and grow up before I have to stay in school. School had its time, and that time has passed, I would like to move on now.