Coping

Tonight, finish PAT project, tomorrow and Saturday Band weekend, Sunday, performance. Monday, music class and practise drama like a mofo for my drama record exam on Tuesday. Wednesday performance, Thursday music practical exam AND a history test. Friday, A public holiday.... Saturday and Sunday Drama Finals -Dies.

I will spend tonight sleeping, weeping and going through all the possibilities of how I am going to deal with this horrendous week. Drugs are illegal so there goes that idea.. I thought about just not doing the things I'm not ready for.. that didn't work either. Just for the record, if I was tight with Father Time, man! we would still be in last week honey!

I'm not really good at managing my time correctly. Like now for example.. I am blogging whereas I could be studying or working or practicing or just freaking out about it all. Although I must admit.. I work well under pressure.. So maybe this will all be ok....   Or it won't and I'm just trying to convince myself that I will survive..

This one is for every Matric who isn't too sure if sleep will be possible any time soon.

I'm going to go have a good cry now. -_-

Misfits

I don't know if I'm the only one who does this.. Maybe I'm not, maybe I am..

When someone close to me starts drifting away, I am angry/hurt and I have this method I practise, just to make sure I'm not crazy.

I try doing unexpected things they used to hate, I purposely ignore them, basically. I would do anything for their attention. Just to know they still notice me, like I still matter or something. It's hard to be forgotten, you are unsure of yourself and they look like they are having the best time without you. People can be so cruel that they can make you doubt an entire friendship, an entire bond, everything.

The worst is that they don't even notice. People are like toddlers in that respect, when they get a new toy, the old ones start gathering dust and eventually make it to the dustbin. I tried to make a person remember I'm still here, but it didn't work.

I'm one of the old misfit toys that just didn't cut it. Luckily I have other misfits with me.

One chance

I am a stubborn person, since I can remember it has just been me.

I always thought when two stubborn people should collide in a confrontation, nothing good can come of it. And I was right. The two personalities clash against each other so badly, that any chance of a relationship is out of the question.

They say respect is to be earned, but then someone else says you have to have respect for everyone until they give you a reason not to have it anymore.. I don't even know. One thing is for sure, it won't be okay any time soon.

Only after the fight one will realise that the other guilty party might have had a point, which is valid. But the method of how the point was made, is the downfall of all good possibilities. Yelling and screaming in my face is bad.. But expecting to mend the whole mess easily?? That is just being hopelessly hopeful.

A lot of us say they only give people one chance, now that's a lie. If a person is important enough, you will probably give them as many chances as it takes for them to stay. It's a sad reality, but a true one. You will keep hurting yourself just because you think you won't be okay without them.

Thank life that I take drama as a subject. "Fake it till you make it sweety. They won't even notice the difference." I gave many chances and I got screwed out of any type of happiness.

I gave you one last chance, and congratulations! You blew it.

People

People are strange things. You must never believe you know a person inside and out. It's not possible.

You are not inside their head, you do not know what could be lurking in that brain - if there is one.. I thought I knew the people close to me.. but I realised I don't know anything for sure. Because people lie. About a lot of things. You won't know when they're lying.. Because some people are really good liars.

A good way to prevent being shocked by the epiphany that you actually don't really know people, at all, is to expect nothing or expect the unexpected. Because if you haven't been inside that person's thoughts, you don't know jack. This is my opinion of course, unlike me, you might be good with people. To each his own..

But I don't know what is worse?? Knowing someone 100% because they are brutally honest, or being unsure about how a person really is? I think I would prefer not knowing? It's comforting in a way. At least then you can create the illusion that the person isn't judging you. Because being judged out loud stabs you like a knife. It so bad that you want to change who you are because that one person's words hurt so much and you just want to be accepted somewhere.

But people have a way of killing your dreams and your self confidence.

Their weapon: Words. Syllables and sounds, just to bring you down.

Yet again, music brings me comfort.

Really, truely and officially over it.

We try to be okay, even if we're not. We try to accept a person and all there problems. We just try.

If you like someone, of course you will oversee their problems, even if they do bother you. You don't want to lose them, for whatever reason that may be. But, (thankfully) you start to become more bothered, and frustrated as the problems progress. You compromise for someone and you expect them to try compromising too.

If they don't, you are still around, trying to convince yourself that you'll be fine with it. But in actual fact you want to scream and do everything frustrated people do. It really sucks if you want a person in your life, but you actually know they don't give a damn about you. You feel used, even if you are the one who tried.

You do things for them, difficult things, because you care enough. Apparently it's too much to get a thank you or to feel any kind of appreciation. My mistake I guess. It's just sad to know that you were close with someone at some stage and something made them different, the time, something that happened, who knows.?

If there's one thing I don't want to do, it's forget about the people who cared... If you keep pushing the real people away, you won't have anyone left. You will be left with yourself and all the problems no one else wanted to handle. Use your brain, if you are on the verge of pushing someone away.. Ask yourself what they did for you. Remember the hard times, if they were there for you then, they are meant to stay.

If someone cares enough, they'll be able to handle your bad days and make your good days even better. Give it a chance. And if you're the one being pushed away.. let it be, leave. Let them know they've lost you and don't turn back.

Turning back will only give your heart the chance to break again. It's great if you consider people's feelings in your decisions. But there comes a time when you just have to look after yourself for a change. Even if it hurts.

Old sounds

Today was a day of reminiscence, my band along with all the ex-bandies practised together for the 10 year reunion concert in October.

I have been a part of the band for 7 out of the 10 years and an actual member for 6 years, so I know quite a few of the ex-bandies. As they arrived in packs and solos, memories started flooding back to my mind. To sum these thoughts up really quick. I loved some, I hated others and I realised that I would have hated me a few years ago..

I still have problem areas in me, but not to such an extent that I am (openly) despised. I remember the stupid stuff I said to people, and what I did because I was crushing on some of them.. I was such a little girl, so innocent and stupid and gullible like it's okay!

Back to the music.. When everyone came to sit down.. New faces where introduced to the old ones and opinions where made. We played through the old favourites of the band. "Legends of the Big Screen", "Angels" and "Candida." Some can still play, some sound like juniors (new kids) and some play better than us. In our section we have Peter. All one can say, is that he can. Every time he plays a little voice in my head says:"One day, when I'm all grown up.." He is the best trumpeter our band has ever had.

Practise makes perfect. It really does! As we played "Legends", All the really hard high parts sounded awesome!!! Feeling like a failure for a moment, I played on. All the new sounds around me painted a picture only I could see. The music painted my view the colour nostalgic. Since everyone has their own "thing" on their instruments. Their own sound to make them noticeable. Most people are noticeable. Some just fade away into nothing, which is fine too I guess.

Seeing and hearing them pressed "play" on my slide show of band moments. The ones I hated, the ones who hated me.. The ones I liked, the ones I really liked! There were a lot! But most of the ones who were there today, don't bring back any feelings.. just a question, "WHY?" and the only answer I got was "young and stupid."

Somehow, I think if I look back every 5 years I would ask:"Why?" to a lot of stupid mistakes and people. I think everyone will always be young and stupid at heart.. The really stupid moments just make us learn how to handle the next one.      

All we really have is hope.

All of us want things to happen in life. But we have no real insurance that they will actually happen..

We hope. It's the one thing we all do. We have no real idea what lies ahead for us. You don't know if your parents are going to be there tomorrow. Tragedies don't just happen in movies. They're real.

The things we hope for differ from silly things, like hoping a boy you like, likes you back. But some people hope they have enough food. They hope the lights won't go out because they couldn't pay the bill. They can only hope, because there comes a stage in certain situations, where you are on a lifeline.

Life holds an uncertainty that has the potential to scare you to death. You hope you'll pass that test, you hope you'll be able to afford university, you hope to get a job. You hope to fall in love, you get the point. There is no step by step way to confirm your future. Life will just keep surprising you basically.

But there are things like nasty surprises that can throw you off your whole way. They are unavoidable.. But you always HOPE to avoid them.

I like having hope, because if I don't have hope, I don't have a point.

Dedicated to Carli x